It's a quarter after three, I'm NOT a little drunk and I need you now...

OK, so that's not very original but I do love that song by Lady Antebellum. For those of you that don't know, the song is called "Need You Now" and the lyric is "It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now," and she is singing about missing a former lover and contemplating calling him.

I do love the song but I can assure you I am not contemplating calling a former lover. I know this because I have never ever really been in love. Now don't go getting all puppy-dog-eyed sad over that or feeling sorry for me cuz I don't feel sorry for myself but I do wonder what it would be like.

Now I did of course have a few boyfriends back in the day (and a husband once for a few years a loooong time ago) and I managed to convince myself at the time that I loved some of them but I know now it was never for real. And I have a couple of great kids, an excellent daughter-in-law who sacrificed much to take care of me especially during the first 2 weeks of my injury, and several super-duper grandkids so I know I am loved.

But I've never had that experience of first falling and then being in love with someone who feels the same way about me. And I have to admit I wonder what it would feel like. I also give some thought to why I haven't had it. As a child and young adult I believed it was because I
didn't deserve it. This belief came from my former family (that's what I call my birth family) who did a pretty good job of convincing me I was a bad accident that came along to screw up their lives (everyone but my maternal grandmother and a very special aunt made me feel that way). Again, put away those sad puppy-dog-eyes.

In recent years I have come to believe one of my goals in this life is to learn about love and sometimes we learn best by observing. Y'know, how you can't see the forest for the trees sort of thing. Because I have found that I love to watch love. It doesn't matter if it's in a movie, a commercial, or real life, but real life is definitely best. And it doesn't have to be the dewey-eyed, lusting-after-each-other love struck young folks kind of love either. It can be as simple as watching a man automatically taking the hand of a woman as they walk across a parking lot, or a mom wiping a smudge of chocolate from her child's face. A few weeks ago (pre-broken shoulder) I was in the grocery store and noticed a man, probably a 30-something dad, shopping with his young eight-year-old-or-so Down's Syndrome son. (Many of you know I have a soft spot for people with Down's Syndrome and if you don't I direct you to the story on my website (www.kathemartin.com) The boy was asking questions about some items in the store and general grocery store etiquette questions. The dad was answering the questions thoroughly and patiently which, under normal circumstances would have been more appropriate coming from a four year old. But, of course, they were normal for this young boy. The dad never talked down to his son and always gave clear, direct, honest answers. It was such a display of love I actually followed them for a few aisles until I got concerned I might get tagged as a stalker so I backed off.

Today we so often have the bad stuff thown in our faces, pictures of car bombings, starving children, bickering politicians, people shooting each other and on-and-on-and-on... instead, I urge you to look for love. Because it is out there and it is out there every day every where you go if only you will look for it. It can be like a rainbow - big and bright and right in front of your face but if you're not looking for it you can miss it.

The Tao Te Ching says, (loosely translated) "Individuals should know themselves well. If they are meant for love, they will know." I know I am not (and once again - no puppy-dog-eyes). But dang, once in awhile it would be nice to have someone who would be willing to run out and bring me a Chick-fil-a vanilla milkshake with whipped cream and a cherry on top!

Love to you all - go look for it!

Kathe