4:00 a.m. thoughts on forgiveness...

I have been offline line for nearly a week due to some technical difficulties but I'm back now. I heard a line on a TV show recently, "Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m." but I think that more applies to decisions to spend the night with a stranger or empty out your savings at the ATM. I usually wake up around 4:00-5:00 a.m. to go to the bathroom. This can be more attributed to a 61 year old bladder than a broken shoulder. I usually can go right back to sleep but these days the pain meds wear off about that time and it's not time for new ones yet, so I start to think. And sometimes that's more dangerous than emptying out the ATM at 2:00 a.m.

I got married in July 1971. Although the decision to do this wasn't a post 2:00 a.m. decision most indications would be that it was a bad one. It was an unhappy union, frequently abusive both mentally and emotionally and eventually devolved into a physically abusive one. I am going to spare you the gory details but I will tell you it involved a concussion on one occasion, at least two broken bones, guns on more than one occasion, and at one point being restrained and held hostage for several hours. Nuff said bout that.

It was a long, long time ago, I survived it and the marriage produced my two terrific kids both now grown and who have produced six grandchildren who are the light of my life.

I got divorced in July 1980 and my ex got remarried the same month to a woman who, God bless her for many reasons, he is still married to today. We'd been separated for two years before the divorce.

Time marches on. People grow, change, learn and move on and in general learn one way or another how to deal what life dishes out to them.

In July 2009 my ex was diagnosed with brain, lung, and liver cancer. Over the past nine months he has endured all the suffering that accompanies radiation and chemo therapies and a few side dishes like flesh eating bacterial infections to boot. This is where you might be tempted to think, "He deserves it", and this is where I say to you, not so fast.

My years of psychic work and learning about spirituality (as opposed to religion - big diff and the subject for a later post) have taught me a few things. First, we are all just a compilation of our own wounds and we are searching for a way to heal them. He didn't abuse me because he wanted to but because it was how he thought (erroneously) he could alleviate some of his pain, whatever that was and wherever that came from, and make himself feel better. Of course, it didn't work and he is responsible for his actions and has to answer for them in some place and time, somewhere, somehow, someday, in this world or another. While some think he owes me an apology, and maybe he does, the greater lesson here is to learn to forgive ourselves. So many times in trying to save ourselves or heal our wounds we try to do it by hurting or overpowering others. And that just doesn't work. What we do instead is create more pain for ourselves and often others and create for ourselves more karma.

I have a friend who thinks I should be nominated for sainthood for my ability to forgive him. (Well, maybe not sainthood, but something like that.) I have struggled with the essence of "forgiveness" for many years. Growing up Catholic I was taught you can do just about anything, go to confession on Saturday, say a few Hail Mary's in repentence, go to communion on Sunday, and start the whole process over again on Monday and St. Peter will welcome you with open arms when it's your turn to show up at the pearly gates.

I don't think it's that easy. I think we are all truly held accountable for what we do or don't do and I think there is a difference between forgiveness and absolution. It's easy for the priest to absolve you of your sins. All he does is assign a few minutes of homework of saying a few prayers. True forgiveness comes from within when we forgive ourselves and others.

In truth I was as much at fault for marrying my ex as he was for marrying me. I was just looking for anyone to love me because that had been so lacking in my life and he was looking for the same in a very different manner.

It is possible to forgive someone, meaning understanding why they did something to you, without condoning their actions. Giving absolution does not have to mean giving permission to them to do it again or saying it was okay in the first place. It just means you are letting go (some would say, letting God) and moving on.

Yesterday I learned the docs have started talking to my ex about hospice options. He has and still is fighting a better fight than I think I could if I was in his shoes. Heck, I whine about typing one-handed with one wing clipped and held up in a sling.

If any of this makes sense to you or resonates with a situation you may have then I ask that you offer a little prayer or whatever your preferred method is for him as he continues his journey on this difficult path that we will all find ourselves on in some way, someday.

It's now 6:30 a.m. and time for more pain meds (yeah!), almost time for the Today Show and breakfast. I wish a good day to you all.

Namaste,
Kathe